I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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