Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
