if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Send help, water and tortillas.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
