The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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