Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
