i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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