i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
