It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
