Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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