Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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