Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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