I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
how do you play pong handcuffed?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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