it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
