I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize