I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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