Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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