you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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