i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
