Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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