I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
