Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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