new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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