Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
