i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
