the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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