I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
