How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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