why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
