shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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