And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
