Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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