my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
