Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
