I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
