Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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