she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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