I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
