i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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