I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
