yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I wish you could order shots online.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
