and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
