I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
