false alarm. still invincible.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Never joke about your clitoris.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
