the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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