I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
