I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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