btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
