Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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