I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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