That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i think i just lost a toe
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
