I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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