how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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