Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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