I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
